just in time.


Soooo, for everyone out there wondering, I’m not dead. And since the rapture never happened, I’m still here. I just don’t write anymore. I don’t know why, but everything i started the last 4 weeks or so was more or less rubbish.

But, I was just sitting in front of my computer, just playing around with my guitar a bit, and suddenly there was this text in my head.

what you call beauty
is nothing more than irony
sweet agony at most.
I’m still sitting here
waiting for my happy end
the perfect ending to
a story i barely tell
cause it still hurts.

oh it still hurts.

maybe I’m selfish
maybe I expect to much
and maybe I’m looking
for the wrong thin
but I know
one day she’ll come
and take my hand
and make me smile

oh she’ll make me smile

but for now
i seem left
with the same three words
stuck in my head
waiting for my happy end
the perfect ending to
a story that i barely tell
cause it still hurts

oh it still hurts

i never knew much
and i don’t know everything
but one thing I know
you’re on your way
and you’ll arrive
just in time
to hold me save
to make me smile again.

oh, she’ll make me smile again.

Sebastian

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It’s my Birthday!!!


Yay!

Sebastian

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Waves


So, today I was bored, so I made a new song. Different from the last one. At least a bit.

Just so that this blog’s not getting to quiet. You know.

Sebastian

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Six months. Part II


So, as I mentioned in the former post, this blog is now online for roughly six months. To be honest, I wouldn’t have thought that I’d write so much on here, but apparently I’m an attention whore. So, I just have some spare time and so I’m just going to write up some facts about my blog.

So, online for six months. In this time I have written 114 posts, including this one. This means an average of 0,6 posts a day. Not bad. Even though I don’t post as much as I used to, but this is not necessarily a bad thing.

Over the last six months, 1585 people visited my page, which is (at least considering the fact that I have no ads or whatsoever) pretty good, I think. This makes an average of about 8,4 people a day. Again, this is pretty good. April2011 is with 360 hits so far the month with the most visitors. Overall, one can see a rising tendency.

Over the last six months I got 37 comments, 39 including two of mine, from a small amount of people. surprisingly, most of the comments (if not all) are positive. That’s great, thank you guys. :)

The top five of my posts. I’m not sure how accurate this is, because most of the hits I receive are probably bots, but let’s see what the bots like.

  1. My Home Page with 789 hits.
  2. Your Sorry Ain’t Reach A Heart with 77 hits.
  3. Woooa with 50 hits
  4. Alright, new old poem. with 47 hits
  5. I raise my glass and Passing September both with 39 hits

So far, I received 106 spam comments according to Akismet. I’m not sure what’s normal but that doesn’t sound sooo much.

So, yeah. I really don’t like statistics, but I was bored. Have fun!

Sebastian

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Six months.


Six months ago, I felt strange. So I decided to start a blog. This blog. I can’t believe it’s already that long, but yeah. I originally thought of something different for this occasion, doing a little writeup with statistics and stuff, but I think what I’m going to do now is just as good. I do want to write a letter to someone, but it is kind of complicated. I know that this person knows about this blog, and since 90 percent of it is about her, she might read here sometimes. But maybe I’m just na├»ve, but that isn’t even important. I just need to get that off my chest and I really can’t send it to her, because the whole concept of our (non-existing) relationship is against it. So… yeah.

Hey you.

I’m not sure where you are right now, if you’re still here or already in Ireland, but that doesn’t really matter. It’s a little over six months now that we broke up. It’s been three months or so that we last had any contact. We never had the chance to clear things up between us, and this just drives me crazy. I know you’re mad at me, even though I don’t know why. I always thought I’d do what you wanted, but maybe I misunderstood something. Maybe you don’t know what you want.

I know you found some new friends after I left your life. I know you got some of your old friends back. I’m glad that everything seems to work out so well for you. That you were able to replace me so easily, as bitter as this sounds. I wasn’t. There is still just one big nothing were you used to be. I don’t blame you. It’s just how it is.

You asked me once if I regret anything I did. I told you no. And today, after the worst six months of my life, I’d still say this. I might would have changed some things. I would have told you earlier how I felt. I wouldn’t try to hold on to things that just didn’t work. I wouldn’t let you go so easily. But in the end, there is really nothing I can do. I can’t know if our story has found its end, or if we might get a second chance someday. I remember things you told me, things we talked about. I know the future is unpredictable. So, who knows.

I know you’re mad at me. I’m not sure why. You told me there is no space for me in your life, and so I choose to leave. I tried as hard as I could, and I never meant to hurt you. If I did, I apologize, it wasn’t on purpose. It was a difficult situation and I did my best. I avoided you where I could, and where I couldn’t I tried to just ignore you. It maybe wasn’t the politest way to do, but it was the best. That’s why I gave up my job. Even the slightest possibility of seeing you was to much.

I still have dreams of you. Of us. They’re different, though. We don’t fight. We’re just happy. They’re not real, and I know that even in my dreams. Still, subconsciously, I hope every time I go to bed that we… meet. You’re not the only one I’m dreaming of, but most of the time, it is you. I don’t know what it means. I don’t really miss you. I learned to live without you. Someday I will find someone, who makes me feel like this again. Who changes me like you did. Maybe then the dreams will disappear. I don’t know.

Sometimes, when I’m going for a walk with the dog, I return and am disappointed that your car isn’t in the driveway. I still hope that some day you just come back and apologize, that somehow we start over, even though I don’t know how. Sometimes I think I’m over you, and sometimes I miss you. Sometimes I just miss being with somebody. I think you would be proud of me. You showed me how to live on my own, to be independent. To not rely on people who always let me down. You changed me. And being with you was the best time of my life. You showed me what real love was, even if it was for such short time. I’m thankful for everything you did. And maybe this is just a sign for how broken I am. Who knows.

There is one last thing I want to tell you. Everything I am now is what you made of me. I used this line in some of my poems, and in some of my songs. Everything I am is what you made of me. Just think about it.

So, I’m not sure if you ever read this, but as I said, this is not the point of this letter. I think you’ll get the point, because you know me probably as good as no one else.

Sebastian

PS: you (or your mother) still have one of my books, so if it finds its way back to me somehow, I know you’ve read this. Just saying.

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Hello Goodbye


So, I’m on Soundcloud and I just want to try if this works. If it works, the song up there is a new demo I recorded today. That is pretty awesome, huh?

You say goodbye
just when I arrive
you say you see,
just when I’m about to leave

Hello Goodbye
is the only thing we say
I don’t even remember
your name

you say goodbye
just when I arrive
you say you see
just when I’m about to leave

Hello Goodbye
is the only thing we say
I don’t even remember
your name

being spread apart
over continents
doesn’t mean a thing
to your heart

Hello Goodbye
is the only thing we say
after six months
this is all I have to say

Hello Goodbye
is the only thing we say

We say Goodbye
just when I arrive
you say see
just when I
Leave

Sebastian

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Music


This one is from December 16th, according to the file. So it’s one of the poems I wrote in what I use to call my “leaking printer time”, because, you know 3 poems a day aren’t good. Anyways, since I never got around to post them I think I’ll just post them now, after I stop writing so much and only post every two weeks or so. So, yeah, we’ll see how that goes.

I often try to find simple words
one or two, not more
to explain what’s going on in my head
it seems so hard to just say what you think.

I feel strange, sitting in my room
all alone
not wanting to see anyone
just listening to the music playing along

but then again, this is the only
safe place I know
this is where i go when i feel like this
there is no other place to go

with the singer’s voice cracking in my speaker
i sit down in my chair
i let the music flow through my body
until i’m filled up
a constant beat
that drives my heart
so that i don’t forget
that I’m still alive

Sebastian

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Time to move on.


So, I just went through some of my older poems and found this little piece. Since I never got around to post it, I thought I’d do it right now.

remember the hours
we just hang on the phone
remember the days
we spend together
remember the nights
we made such sweet love
remember the way
i held you close

it’s time to let you go
it’s time to move on
there is nothing left of you
but bittersweet memories
it’s time to find a new way
it’s time to get away
from everything you did
to heal the holes you left

when you went away
when you left with somuch
as a goodbye
with a promise you made
and broke
with words you said
and forgot
please, just get the fuck off

remember the live
you saved with me
remember the lies
you told to make me stay
remember the love
you pushed away
remember the knife
you stabbed me with.

Well. It’s just as horrible depressing like everything else I wrote in these days, but yeah, I still like it somehow.

Sebastian

Posted in Lyrics, Poems | 3 Comments

Postcards


So, I couldn’t sleep tonight. So I began to read through the 3754 mails in my mailacc, and after that I felt really really strange. I mean, could be that I’m like super tired. Or that i realized how many people I lost over the years, how many opportunites i let pass by. Not sure.

I went down some wrong ways
I’ve done some things I’m not proud of
I might have broken a heart or two
and I almost feel sorry for what I’ve done
but the memories begin to fade already
and soon I won’t remember your name, your face
everything you were to me
will be history I choose to ignore

I found an old postcard
signed by your hand
telling of better times
whem we were still talking
but this was long ago
when we both still cared
when i meant something to you
when my world was still alright

awake for way to long now
half drunk from to much love
I can’t sleep at night
I can’t get rid of your face
it’s half past five
and it’s only getting worse
I’m writing out what I’m thinking
so that my mind might comes to rest

i found an old postcard
signed with your name
speaking of better times
when we were best friends
it seems so long ago
but time means nothing here
just like I to you
my world’s broken from the inside

Anyways, I’m like super tired and I have no idea what I’ve written there, i check back tomorrow and see if i like it.

Sebastian

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Four lines straight from my head.


I see the stars
hanging from the sky
they seem so lovely
as they smile

Sebastian

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